I Am Voldie Fierce

SWEET SASSY MOLASSY! My shaving potion stopped working again!!

I give up, Bellatrix. It was foolish of me to assume you could learn the Hokey-Pokey.

I dared to Nair, and I feel fabulous. My Donna Summer wigs will fit much better now. LAST DANCE, DEATH EATERS!

I don’t CARE that we don’t celebrate the 4th of July, Yaxley! When those Americans play John Mellencamp to assert the greatness of their country through a lyric about LITTLE PINK HOUSES, why, I MUST boogie. IMMERSE YOURSELF IN THE EXPLOSIONS OF COLOR, DEATH EATERS!

Feast your normal-human-looking eyes on THIS, Lucius! I was scouring the mail looking for the latest issue of Rhinestones Weekly when I found the most delightful envelope! Upon opening, I found that I was PRE-APPROVED for a Gringotts credit card! PRE-APPROVED!! I don’t think I’ve been this pleased since I murdered that entire village of pygmies on our vacation to Papua New Guinea last summer!

Oh, stop your incessant babbling, Malfoy. I see absolutely no downside to this! With this handy device, we can have our matching, color-coordinated tracksuits delivered directly to us instead of having to wear those hideously unflattering floral muu-muus to pick them up at The Magic Stick Boutique.

(fuckyeahvoldemort:aliciaschopsticks)

HOLY HALITOSIS, Dolohov! I finished making my wish list for Santa Clause!! Do you think he’ll give me Neil Diamonds greatest hits? I LOVE HIS BEDAZZLED SHIRTS!!!

OH HEY POTTER FANCY MEETING YOU HERE —

I can’t do it. I can’t be scary and Dark Lord-y right now in this itchy, binding instrument of torture. How am I supposed to strike fear in the hearts of the greater Wizarding World in this? I need draping, I need flowy, I need to be able to to TWIRL and SPARKLE and DAZZLE! I mean, honestly, when was the last time a black sateen two-button single-breasted Armani suit scared anyone? What if I needed to do lunges or even a sweet air kick? There’s no doing air kicks in these immaculately tailored and impeccably well-fitted trousers! Stitches could pop, seams could rip, and some of my Parts That Must Not Be Seen could be on display for everyone.

This is the last time I take any fashion advice from that fool Malfoy.