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I Am Voldie Fierce

curl left 13thday ofSeptemberin the year2009 curl right
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OH HEY POTTER FANCY MEETING YOU HERE — I can’t do it. I can’t be scary and Dark Lord-y right now in this itchy, binding instrument of torture. How am I supposed to strike fear in the hearts of the greater Wizarding World in this? I need draping, I need flowy, I need to be able to to TWIRL and SPARKLE and DAZZLE! I mean, honestly, when was the last time a black sateen two-button single-breasted Armani suit scared anyone? What if I needed to do lunges or even a sweet air kick? There’s no doing air kicks in these immaculately tailored and impeccably well-fitted trousers! Stitches could pop, seams could rip, and some of my Parts That Must Not Be Seen could be on display for everyone. This is the last time I take any fashion advice from that fool Malfoy.
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OH HEY POTTER FANCY MEETING YOU HERE —

I can’t do it. I can’t be scary and Dark Lord-y right now in this itchy, binding instrument of torture. How am I supposed to strike fear in the hearts of the greater Wizarding World in this? I need draping, I need flowy, I need to be able to to TWIRL and SPARKLE and DAZZLE! I mean, honestly, when was the last time a black sateen two-button single-breasted Armani suit scared anyone? What if I needed to do lunges or even a sweet air kick? There’s no doing air kicks in these immaculately tailored and impeccably well-fitted trousers! Stitches could pop, seams could rip, and some of my Parts That Must Not Be Seen could be on display for everyone.

This is the last time I take any fashion advice from that fool Malfoy.

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Now if you’ll excuse me, Yaxley, I’m billowing off to Red Lobster. Sometimes I just NEED to dine like regular folk. And I so love imitation crab meats.
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Now if you’ll excuse me, Yaxley, I’m billowing off to Red Lobster. Sometimes I just NEED to dine like regular folk. And I so love imitation crab meats.

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QUICK, SEVERUS! Put your arms around me so the Titanic reenactment can commence! FORTHWITH!
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QUICK, SEVERUS! Put your arms around me so the Titanic reenactment can commence! FORTHWITH!

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Pull yourself together, Draco. Just because Lord Voldemort invited you to the zoo to watch sea lions because they’re like, “cute, fat, happy torpedoes” does not mean he has dishonorable intentions. All Dark Lords probably dream of snuggling sea creatures. Right? RIGHT?
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Pull yourself together, Draco. Just because Lord Voldemort invited you to the zoo to watch sea lions because they’re like, “cute, fat, happy torpedoes” does not mean he has dishonorable intentions.

All Dark Lords probably dream of snuggling sea creatures. Right? RIGHT?

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Bellatrix!! When I said I wanted color contacts that make my eyes pop, I did NOT mean that as a euphemism for “garish and scary” and I can’t SEE OUT OF THESE AND DAMMIT, BELLATRIX! You spin my head RIGHT ROUND!
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Bellatrix!! When I said I wanted color contacts that make my eyes pop, I did NOT mean that as a euphemism for “garish and scary” and I can’t SEE OUT OF THESE AND DAMMIT, BELLATRIX! You spin my head RIGHT ROUND!

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Blast it all!! That dark mark is gray and menacing! I wanted dazzle! I wanted pizzaz!! I wanted dark to be a metaphorical description!! Not literal… And dammit, Yaxley, it looks like it has a beard! My symbol is a weirdo with a beardo because of you!!
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Blast it all!! That dark mark is gray and menacing! I wanted dazzle! I wanted pizzaz!! I wanted dark to be a metaphorical description!! Not literal…

And dammit, Yaxley, it looks like it has a beard! My symbol is a weirdo with a beardo because of you!!

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WHAT do you MEAN you ate all the Chunky Monkey, McNair?! You know I like to enjoy it while catching up on Sunday night HBO programming!!! AAAAGH!!!!
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WHAT do you MEAN you ate all the Chunky Monkey, McNair?! You know I like to enjoy it while catching up on Sunday night HBO programming!!! AAAAGH!!!!

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No, Rookwood, for the last time, those are not the words. Now repeat after me! “If you wanna be with me, Baby, there’s a price to pay. I’m a Voldie in a bottle, You gotta rub me the right way.”
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No, Rookwood, for the last time, those are not the words. Now repeat after me!

“If you wanna be with me,
Baby, there’s a price to pay.
I’m a Voldie in a bottle,
You gotta rub me the right way.”

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I learned this trick from a bar tender named Guillermo in Cabo San Lucas. We became fast friends. Then I used the Imperio Curse to start a conga line every night. And yes, Snape, I rocked a speedo.
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I learned this trick from a bar tender named Guillermo in Cabo San Lucas. We became fast friends. Then I used the Imperio Curse to start a conga line every night. And yes, Snape, I rocked a speedo.

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Dear Diary, When I approached Prof. Slughorn about a rhythmic gymnastics team, he seemed a bit horrified. I initially took this to mean he was a suffering fool for not understanding the allure of a beautiful sport that combines the allure of ballet, gymnastics, and wonderous, shiny ribbons. (Or, okay, for the less flair inclined… rubber balls. Pah!) Well, I must confess I was full of rage to be treated with such disgust. However, upon noticing myself in a mirror on the way back to the common room, I couldn’t help but realize that Slughorn wasn’t horrified by my idea. Rather, he was so dazzled with how dashing I looked. I mean, Sweet Merlin on a cracker, I look good in a suit. Nevertheless, I intend to ask Dumbeldore if there isn’t something we can do about the uniforms. Perhaps next year… Your star glitters brighter than the rest, Tom Riddle
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Dear Diary,

When I approached Prof. Slughorn about a rhythmic gymnastics team, he seemed a bit horrified. I initially took this to mean he was a suffering fool for not understanding the allure of a beautiful sport that combines the allure of ballet, gymnastics, and wonderous, shiny ribbons. (Or, okay, for the less flair inclined… rubber balls. Pah!)

Well, I must confess I was full of rage to be treated with such disgust. However, upon noticing myself in a mirror on the way back to the common room, I couldn’t help but realize that Slughorn wasn’t horrified by my idea. Rather, he was so dazzled with how dashing I looked. I mean, Sweet Merlin on a cracker, I look good in a suit.

Nevertheless, I intend to ask Dumbeldore if there isn’t something we can do about the uniforms. Perhaps next year…

Your star glitters brighter than the rest,

Tom Riddle

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